The maker doesn't need it.
The buyer doesn't use it.
The user doesn't know he's using it.
What is it?
Jonco was the first to post the correct answer. "Casket"
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Riddle
From Futility Closet:
The maker doesn't need it.
The buyer doesn't use it.
The user doesn't know he's using it.
What is it?
The maker doesn't need it.
The buyer doesn't use it.
The user doesn't know he's using it.
What is it?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Perfect hubby
Quote: Agatha Christie on the Perfect Husband
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her."
- Agatha Christie, author (1890 - 1976)
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her."
- Agatha Christie, author (1890 - 1976)
Sword Swallower = Genius
Found it at Neatorama:
What would you do for love?
In her time, Jean Carroll was a popular bearded lady. More importantly, Carroll was the real deal. Born in 1910 in Schenectady, New York Jean Carroll possessed the genuine foundation of a fine silken beard at the age of ten, when she joined the Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus. As she aged, that foundation of follicles flourished and soon provided Carroll with a stable career in carnival exhibition.
As a young lady Carroll met a charming young Ohio man and quickly fell in love. The object of her affection was John Carson. Carson was a charming and handsome man. He was a contortionist and sideshow talker and he was actually quite taken by the sweet-hearted bearded girl. He was certainly attracted to Carroll but the beard was simply too much for him to overcome. While he continued to be friendly with Carroll, he pushed aside any romantic aspirations and focused on friendship.
For fifteen years the two saw each other almost daily. As Carson got to know Carroll for the woman she was, behind the whiskers, he fell deeply in love with her. Carroll saw that love in him and it pained her. She knew he would never be able to accept the beard and she, in turn, could not give up her source of livelihood and her home in the carnival. As she cried one night, sword swallower Alec Linton suggested a painful solution.
“Shave the beard and become a tattooed woman.”
Soon, the beard was gone and in its place were over 700 intricate designs by famed tattooist Charlie Wagner. The pain involved in the process was likely excruciating but the investment was wise. John Carson was completely smitten, apparently having no problems with illustration over facial hair, and the two wed almost immediately following the ‘close shave’.
In her time, Jean Carroll was a popular bearded lady. More importantly, Carroll was the real deal. Born in 1910 in Schenectady, New York Jean Carroll possessed the genuine foundation of a fine silken beard at the age of ten, when she joined the Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus. As she aged, that foundation of follicles flourished and soon provided Carroll with a stable career in carnival exhibition.
As a young lady Carroll met a charming young Ohio man and quickly fell in love. The object of her affection was John Carson. Carson was a charming and handsome man. He was a contortionist and sideshow talker and he was actually quite taken by the sweet-hearted bearded girl. He was certainly attracted to Carroll but the beard was simply too much for him to overcome. While he continued to be friendly with Carroll, he pushed aside any romantic aspirations and focused on friendship.
For fifteen years the two saw each other almost daily. As Carson got to know Carroll for the woman she was, behind the whiskers, he fell deeply in love with her. Carroll saw that love in him and it pained her. She knew he would never be able to accept the beard and she, in turn, could not give up her source of livelihood and her home in the carnival. As she cried one night, sword swallower Alec Linton suggested a painful solution.
“Shave the beard and become a tattooed woman.”
Soon, the beard was gone and in its place were over 700 intricate designs by famed tattooist Charlie Wagner. The pain involved in the process was likely excruciating but the investment was wise. John Carson was completely smitten, apparently having no problems with illustration over facial hair, and the two wed almost immediately following the ‘close shave’.
Ahhh -- it's all so romantic.
Too bad
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Having long played down the idea that she might someday run for president, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Friday said she had no plans to serve as a vice president either.
There has been speculation that Republican presidential front-runner Sen. John McCain of Arizona might tap Rice as his running mate.
"I have always said that the one thing that I have not seen myself doing is running for elected office," Rice said at a news conference. "I didn't even run for high school president. It's sort of not in my genes."
There has been speculation that Republican presidential front-runner Sen. John McCain of Arizona might tap Rice as his running mate.
"I have always said that the one thing that I have not seen myself doing is running for elected office," Rice said at a news conference. "I didn't even run for high school president. It's sort of not in my genes."
I'd feel a lot better about voting for John McCain if he'd pick someone like Rice for VP. We need someone who ignores the media. Maybe Dick Cheney could teach her to sneer at them.
Ha Ha Ha
DETROIT (Reuters) - General Motors Corp Vice Chairman Bob Lutz has defended remarks he made dismissing global warming as a "total crock of s---," saying his views had no bearing on GM's commitment to build environmentally friendly vehicles.
Lutz, GM's outspoken product development chief, has been under fire from Internet bloggers since last month when he was quoted as making the remark to reporters in Texas. More here:
Lutz, GM's outspoken product development chief, has been under fire from Internet bloggers since last month when he was quoted as making the remark to reporters in Texas. More here:
I love it -- Just for that, I might consider making my next car a GM car.
LMAO - Before political correctness
From Futility Closet:
Lyrics to "Coon! Coon! Coon!",
billed as "The Most Successful Song Hit of 1901″:
Although it's not my color,
I'm feeling mighty blue;
I've got a lot of trouble,
I'll tell it all to you:
I'm cert'nly clean disgusted
With life, and that's a fact
Because my hair is wooly
And because my color's black.
My gal, she took a notion
Against the colored race.
She said if I would win her
I'd have to change my face;
She said if she should wed me,
That she'd regret it soon,
And now I'm shook, yes, good and hard,
Because I am a coon.
CHORUS:
Coon! Coon! Coon!
I wish my color would fade.
Coon! Coon! Coon!
I'd like a different shade.
Coon! Coon! Coon!
Morning, night and noon.
I wish I was a white man
'Stead of a Coon! Coon! Coon!
I had my face enameled,
I had my hair made straight.
I dressed up like a white man,
And cert'nly did look great.
Then started out to see her,
Just shortly after dark,
But on the way to meet my babe
I had to cross a park;
Just as I was a-thinking
I had things fixed up right,
I passed a tree where two doves sat
making love at night;
They stopped and looked me over,
I saw my finish soon.
When both those birds said good and loud,
"Coo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oon."
I found a short mp3 here:
You can use it as a ringtone -- lmao.
Lyrics to "Coon! Coon! Coon!",
billed as "The Most Successful Song Hit of 1901″:
Although it's not my color,
I'm feeling mighty blue;
I've got a lot of trouble,
I'll tell it all to you:
I'm cert'nly clean disgusted
With life, and that's a fact
Because my hair is wooly
And because my color's black.
My gal, she took a notion
Against the colored race.
She said if I would win her
I'd have to change my face;
She said if she should wed me,
That she'd regret it soon,
And now I'm shook, yes, good and hard,
Because I am a coon.
CHORUS:
Coon! Coon! Coon!
I wish my color would fade.
Coon! Coon! Coon!
I'd like a different shade.
Coon! Coon! Coon!
Morning, night and noon.
I wish I was a white man
'Stead of a Coon! Coon! Coon!
I had my face enameled,
I had my hair made straight.
I dressed up like a white man,
And cert'nly did look great.
Then started out to see her,
Just shortly after dark,
But on the way to meet my babe
I had to cross a park;
Just as I was a-thinking
I had things fixed up right,
I passed a tree where two doves sat
making love at night;
They stopped and looked me over,
I saw my finish soon.
When both those birds said good and loud,
"Coo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oon."
I found a short mp3 here:
You can use it as a ringtone -- lmao.
Close, but no saguaro
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
— Popular Mechanics, 1949
— Popular Mechanics, 1949
Metric system & John Quincy Adams
From Futility Closet:
"Decimal arithmetic is a contrivance of man for computing numbers, and not a property of time, space, or matter. It belongs essentially to the keeping of accounts, but is merely an incident to the transactions of trade. Nature has no partiality for the number 10; and the attempt to shackle her freedom with them [decimal gradations], will for ever prove abortive."
– John Quincy Adams, recommending against the metric system in 1821, as reported in Chambers' Edinburgh Journal, May 15, 1852
"Decimal arithmetic is a contrivance of man for computing numbers, and not a property of time, space, or matter. It belongs essentially to the keeping of accounts, but is merely an incident to the transactions of trade. Nature has no partiality for the number 10; and the attempt to shackle her freedom with them [decimal gradations], will for ever prove abortive."
– John Quincy Adams, recommending against the metric system in 1821, as reported in Chambers' Edinburgh Journal, May 15, 1852
So the Klown started thinking -- Jeesh -- how did that great thinker become presidink? So I started with the googling -- trying to show he was a lib. The closest I came was this:
"Adams served in Congress for the next 17 years, earning a reputation as the most passionate and respected liberal voice in Washington. Defying the many ironies of his life, Adams fulfilled his pledge to die in the line of duty when he suffered a fatal stroke on the floor of the House in 1848. " From here:
And then I found this interesting stuff.
You think the picture this year looks confusing?
You think the picture this year looks confusing?
In 1824, four candidates received Electoral Votes. Andrew Jackson received 41% of the popular vote and about 38% of the Electoral Votes, but that was not enough. So pursuant to the Twelfth Amendment, the election was thrown into the House of Representatives. There were 24 states, and each delegation had to cast one vote. 13 of the 24 voted for John Quincy Adams, who had received about 30% of both the popular vote and the Electoral Votes. Adams therefore was named President on February 9, 1825.
The previous few years, when James Monroe was President, had seen a one-party government in the United States, as the Federalist Party had dissolved, leaving only the Democratic-Republican Party. This was a time known as the "Era of Good Feeling." But in the 1824 election, the Democratic-Republican Party splintered. Four candidates sought the presidency -- Andrew Jackson, John Quincy Adams, William Crawford and Henry Clay. The faction led by Andrew Jackson would evolve into the Democratic Party, while the factions led by John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay would become the National Republican Party and later the Whig Party.
This election is the only time since the passage of the Twelfth Amendment in which the presidential election was thrown into the House of Representatives, as no candidate received a majority of the electoral vote. This presidential election was also the only one in which the candidate receiving the most electoral votes did not become president (because a majority, not just a plurality, is required to win). It is also often said to be the first election in which the president did not win the popular vote, although the popular vote was not measured nationwide. At that time, several states did not conduct a popular vote, allowing their state legislature to choose their electors. More here:
Anyway -- Boy was he wrong about the metric system. The reason the US doesn't convert to the metric system? We have to wait until the average intelligence of the population exceeds that of a grape.
Actually, some of the "coversion" is being made without the "consent" of anyone -- it just makes so much more sense. They need to start making speed-limit signs with both numbers on them for a few years -- then they can drop the MPH later by saying it's not necessary.
If I owned a gas station, I'd start selling it by the liter -- sounds so much cheaper -- and if you sold it just a little cheaper, people would say to their friends "I don't care if he's selling liters, it's cheaper."
Great Stamp
From Futility Closet:
The tiny republic of Abkhazia, formerly part of the Soviet Union, wanted to issue a stamp to repudiate its communist past. So in place of Marx and Lenin … it chose Marx and Lennon.
The tiny republic of Abkhazia, formerly part of the Soviet Union, wanted to issue a stamp to repudiate its communist past. So in place of Marx and Lenin … it chose Marx and Lennon.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Penis asks for a raise
From Small Bits and Pieces:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Thursday, February 21, 2008
It's cuz I'm black, ain't it
NEW YORK (AP) - A Columbia University professor whose colleagues found a noose hanging from her office doorway will remain on staff despite being sanctioned for plagiarism, school officials said Thursday. Of course -- plagiarism is nothing really.
The university's Teachers College announced Wednesday it had imposed "serious sanctions" against Madonna G. Constantine. The college said a lengthy investigation uncovered numerous instances in which she used others' work without attribution in papers she published in academic journals over the past five years. Whaaaaa? Oh -- wait --nevermind -- it's only plagiarism.
Her lawyer said she had been targeted because of her race and hinted the sanctions and noose incident were linked, claims Teachers College spokeswoman Marcia Horowitz denied. "Because of her race."
The inquiry into Constantine was launched in 2006, well before the noose—a symbol of lynchings in the Deep South—was discovered this past October, the school said. "Symbol of lynching."
Details of the sanctions were not released, but Horowitz said Constantine was not suspended and will remain a tenured professor. It's only plagiarism.
Horowitz said the case was reviewed by an outside law firm as well as a panel of current and former professors at Teachers College.
Constantine, an education and psychology professor who has written extensively about race, said Wednesday that the accusations and the noose incident are part of efforts to intimidate her because she is black. Because she is black.
Her lawyer, Paul J. Giacomo Jr., said his client can prove her innocence and called the school's investigation "extremely underhanded from the beginning." He said he will appeal the sanctions. Yes -- all investigations are "underhanded."
The university's Teachers College announced Wednesday it had imposed "serious sanctions" against Madonna G. Constantine. The college said a lengthy investigation uncovered numerous instances in which she used others' work without attribution in papers she published in academic journals over the past five years. Whaaaaa? Oh -- wait --nevermind -- it's only plagiarism.
Her lawyer said she had been targeted because of her race and hinted the sanctions and noose incident were linked, claims Teachers College spokeswoman Marcia Horowitz denied. "Because of her race."
The inquiry into Constantine was launched in 2006, well before the noose—a symbol of lynchings in the Deep South—was discovered this past October, the school said. "Symbol of lynching."
Details of the sanctions were not released, but Horowitz said Constantine was not suspended and will remain a tenured professor. It's only plagiarism.
Horowitz said the case was reviewed by an outside law firm as well as a panel of current and former professors at Teachers College.
Constantine, an education and psychology professor who has written extensively about race, said Wednesday that the accusations and the noose incident are part of efforts to intimidate her because she is black. Because she is black.
Her lawyer, Paul J. Giacomo Jr., said his client can prove her innocence and called the school's investigation "extremely underhanded from the beginning." He said he will appeal the sanctions. Yes -- all investigations are "underhanded."
WITCH!!!! -- WITCH!!!!
From the San Franshitsco Chronicle
Huckabee's wife takes a breather at a Vegas fight, rests at Hooters
OK -- first of all -- this is NEWS? This is what passes for NEWS? You mean actual "objective reporters" deem this NEWSWORTHY?"
What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas - especially if you're the wife of a presidential candidate. Just ask Janet Huckabee, who attended a middleweight prize fight this past weekend in Las Vegas - where she stayed at the Hooters Casino Hotel.
That eye-opening combination - a title bout in Sin City, which celebrates gambling, drinking and all things wild, along with a hospitality chain favoring buxom waitresses in low-cut garb - could potentially shock the armies of evangelical conservative Christians who have made her husband, the former governor of Arkansas, the only remaining GOP opponent to party front-runner John McCain.
Yes -- the "eye-opening combination." Wow -- I was so blind before -- SO BLIND. Thanks, SF Chronicle. OMG, I'm so shocked -- what with the buxom waitresses and so forth. Now -- I finally know, Mrs Huckabee is ... is ... something ... what is she? Oh yes -- a WITCH.
But Janet Huckabee, whose husband is also a former Baptist minister, said in a telephone interview Wednesday that her recent brief excursion to root for boxer Jermain Taylor, a longtime friend and fellow Arkansan - and her stay at a hotel that she said wasn't exactly her first choice - was supposed to be a rare respite from the often-brutal presidential campaign trail. More here:
Hey -- looky there -- did you know Jermain Taylor was a black guy? Well ... the evidence just keeps adding up. I'm not sure I should say this ... but ... I like her more now.
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