I'm tired of making fun of Democrams -- here's some Republican fun.
"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed." —Jay Leno
"Here's good news I guess, New York City will host the 2004 Republican convention. We lured the Republicans here the old fashioned way, with bribe money and hookers. ... The Republicans are getting ready. They want everything to go perfectly. In fact, they are already auditioning people to be black Republicans." —David Letterman
"Trent Lott has found himself in a lot of trouble over his comments (about segregation)...Keep in mind Lott only says this kind of stuff once every 22 years. We like to think of him as the Halley's Comet of bigotry." —Jon Stewart
"The government has now cancelled all pay raises for all federal employees. So let's see, President Bush's party has taken control of Congress, last week they gave themselves a pay raise, and cancelled pay raises for all other employees. I think that's called the 'Republican Trifecta.'" —Jay Leno
"Senator Strom Thurmond is retiring. He turns 100 years old in December – or as Anna Nicole Smith calls him – "the bachelor." —Jay Leno
"Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That's the day the Republicans tried to steal the Democrat's plans. That's also the last time the Democrats had any plans worth stealing. It's also the last time a Republican president had a plan and actually carried it out." —Jay Leno
"NBC announced this week that they will be producing a three-hour TV movie based on the life of Rudy Giuliani. To keep the movie true to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikable until the last fifteen minutes when everyone loves him." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Today President Bush said he wants a ban on cloning. Meanwhile, Attorney General Ashcroft said he wants a ban on making humans the old-fashioned way." —Conan O'Brien
"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed." —Jay Leno
"Here's good news I guess, New York City will host the 2004 Republican convention. We lured the Republicans here the old fashioned way, with bribe money and hookers. ... The Republicans are getting ready. They want everything to go perfectly. In fact, they are already auditioning people to be black Republicans." —David Letterman
"Trent Lott has found himself in a lot of trouble over his comments (about segregation)...Keep in mind Lott only says this kind of stuff once every 22 years. We like to think of him as the Halley's Comet of bigotry." —Jon Stewart
"The government has now cancelled all pay raises for all federal employees. So let's see, President Bush's party has taken control of Congress, last week they gave themselves a pay raise, and cancelled pay raises for all other employees. I think that's called the 'Republican Trifecta.'" —Jay Leno
"Senator Strom Thurmond is retiring. He turns 100 years old in December – or as Anna Nicole Smith calls him – "the bachelor." —Jay Leno
"Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That's the day the Republicans tried to steal the Democrat's plans. That's also the last time the Democrats had any plans worth stealing. It's also the last time a Republican president had a plan and actually carried it out." —Jay Leno
"NBC announced this week that they will be producing a three-hour TV movie based on the life of Rudy Giuliani. To keep the movie true to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikable until the last fifteen minutes when everyone loves him." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Today President Bush said he wants a ban on cloning. Meanwhile, Attorney General Ashcroft said he wants a ban on making humans the old-fashioned way." —Conan O'Brien
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