'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain
'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson
'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni
Friday, November 21, 2008
Joe cool arrives - Aliens bolt
He looks like he just arrived to take a UFO report. And he doesn't look like he's there to fuck around ... capisce?How about a trip to Nebraska?
Semaj Booker TACOMA, Wash. — A boy who ran away at age 9 and talked his way onto airplane flights to Texas has blown too many chances to clean up his act and must live with a felony record for a prior car theft, a judge has decided.
Since his headline-making escapade in January 2007, Semaj Booker, now 11, has attempted to repeat his airline runaway act, broken curfew, lied to police, burglarized an apartment and destroyed a mattress in juvenile detention, Pierce County Deputy Prosecutor Fred C. Wist said Thursday. More here:
Gee, so the little shit has no remorse ... what a shocker.
Convicted in 1993 and still alive
AUSTIN — Another day, another cell phone found on Texas' death row.
Prison staff conducting a shakedown of the row Friday found a cell phone secreted in the rectum of convicted murderer Henry Skinner at the Polunsky Unit in Livingston, said Texas Department of Criminal Justice spokeswoman Michelle Lyons.
They first found two SIM cards, or memory chips, in Skinner's Bible, she said. Because they suspected he also had a cell phone, they took him to the infirmary, did an X-ray and found the cell phone. More here:
Prison staff conducting a shakedown of the row Friday found a cell phone secreted in the rectum of convicted murderer Henry Skinner at the Polunsky Unit in Livingston, said Texas Department of Criminal Justice spokeswoman Michelle Lyons.
They first found two SIM cards, or memory chips, in Skinner's Bible, she said. Because they suspected he also had a cell phone, they took him to the infirmary, did an X-ray and found the cell phone. More here:
Man, you must want to talk to someone pretty badly if you shove a cell phone up your ass. If I ever went to prison, I can't think of anything I'd shove up my ass for any reason. How about you?
"Support our poops?"
Zombietime reader “Chicken Kiev” submits these photos of graffiti in restrooms in Dwinelle Hall on the U.C. Berkeley campus:
Yes, ALL the geniuses go to Berkeley.
Yes, ALL the geniuses go to Berkeley.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Al Franken continues to be circus clown
The bubble beside Norm Coleman’s name appeared to have both an X and a squiggle in it, but the Al Franken campaign wants the state Canvassing Board to rule on whether it should count. That’s the only challenge in the special envelope in Plymouth so far, according to Sandy Engdahl, the city clerk and the official running the city recount. More here:
And what does this say to you about the common sense of Al Franken? How about his ability to be forthright and honest? Here's what it says to me: "Al Franken is a piece of shit."
Hey, Franken, you dipshit, the Klown says, "lets find all the ballots with the bubbles filled in half ass like that and throw them out -- what do you say?" I figure the GREAT majority of them will be Dipshitocrats and I'll bet the Republicans will go along with that solution. What say you, Clarabell?
Oxford compiles list of top ten irritating phrases
The top ten most irritating phrases:
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
Somali Pirates make small mistake
NEW DELHI – The ship, operating off the coast of Oman in the lawless waters of the Gulf of Aden, was crewed by heavily armed men, some carrying rocket-propelled grenade launchers. Behind it were a pair of speedboats — the sort pirates often use when they launch attacks on merchant ships in these violent seas.
What followed, officials said Wednesday, was a rare victory in a sea war against Somalia-based piracy that has become increasingly more violent, and where the pirates are ever more bold.
A patrolling Indian navy frigate quickly identified the vessel as a "mother ship" — a mobile attack base used to take gangs of pirates and smaller speedboats into deep water — and ordered it to stop and be searched.
"They responded on the offensive and said that they would blow up the Indian naval ship," Commander Nirad Sinha, a navy press officer, told reporters in New Delhi. Then the pirates opened fire.
Navy officials wouldn't say how long the battle Tuesday lasted, but the frigate, the INS Tabar, is a 400-foot war machine, carrying cruise missiles, surface-to-air missiles and six-barreled 30 mm machine guns for close combat, according to the Web site GlobalSecurity.org.
By the time the battle was over, the mother ship had sunk — the Indian gunfire sparked fires and a series of onboard blasts, possibly due to exploding ammunition — and the speedboats were racing into the darkness.
One was later found abandoned. The other escaped. An unknown number of people died on the mother ship, a navy statement said. The rest here:
What followed, officials said Wednesday, was a rare victory in a sea war against Somalia-based piracy that has become increasingly more violent, and where the pirates are ever more bold.
A patrolling Indian navy frigate quickly identified the vessel as a "mother ship" — a mobile attack base used to take gangs of pirates and smaller speedboats into deep water — and ordered it to stop and be searched.
"They responded on the offensive and said that they would blow up the Indian naval ship," Commander Nirad Sinha, a navy press officer, told reporters in New Delhi. Then the pirates opened fire.
Navy officials wouldn't say how long the battle Tuesday lasted, but the frigate, the INS Tabar, is a 400-foot war machine, carrying cruise missiles, surface-to-air missiles and six-barreled 30 mm machine guns for close combat, according to the Web site GlobalSecurity.org.
By the time the battle was over, the mother ship had sunk — the Indian gunfire sparked fires and a series of onboard blasts, possibly due to exploding ammunition — and the speedboats were racing into the darkness.
One was later found abandoned. The other escaped. An unknown number of people died on the mother ship, a navy statement said. The rest here:
helpful hints
1. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
2. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
3. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
2. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
3. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Open wide for amnesty, jackasses
BOSTON (AP) - Zeituni Onyango came to the United States seeking asylum from her native Kenya but was turned down and ordered to leave the country in 2004.
Four years later, she is still here. And her nephew is about to become president of the United States.
Onyango's family connection to Barack Obama has thrown a spotlight on a phenomenon many Americans might find startling: An estimated half-million immigrants are living in the United States in defiance of deportation orders. More here:
Four years later, she is still here. And her nephew is about to become president of the United States.
Onyango's family connection to Barack Obama has thrown a spotlight on a phenomenon many Americans might find startling: An estimated half-million immigrants are living in the United States in defiance of deportation orders. More here:
That's right, a half million, and that's only the ones they CAUGHT. Anyway, they got ordered to deport but they're staying, because, fuck you.
By the way, I'll be very surprised if they deport Obama's aunt. The law does not apply to him.
By the way, I'll be very surprised if they deport Obama's aunt. The law does not apply to him.
Drop the litte asshole off - Adios, Einstein
Another child has been left at an Omaha hospital under the state's unique safe haven law.
A 5-year-old boy from Douglas County was left by his mother about 9 p.m. Thursday at Immanuel Medical Center in Omaha, said Todd Landry, director of children and family services for the State Department of Health and Human Services.
The child is the 35th to be dropped off at a hospital or, in one case, a police station by a parent or guardian wanting to make use of the law.
Earlier Thursday, a brother and sister from Douglas County were taken to Methodist Hospital in Omaha, Landry said. The 14-year-old boy and 17-year-old girl were dropped off by their mother in the afternoon.
The 17-year-old left the hospital, however, before law enforcement officers could arrive. As of midday today, HHS officials had not been notified by law enforcement whether the girl had been found.
HHS staffers are gathering additional information about both Thursday cases. More here:
A 5-year-old boy from Douglas County was left by his mother about 9 p.m. Thursday at Immanuel Medical Center in Omaha, said Todd Landry, director of children and family services for the State Department of Health and Human Services.
The child is the 35th to be dropped off at a hospital or, in one case, a police station by a parent or guardian wanting to make use of the law.
Earlier Thursday, a brother and sister from Douglas County were taken to Methodist Hospital in Omaha, Landry said. The 14-year-old boy and 17-year-old girl were dropped off by their mother in the afternoon.
The 17-year-old left the hospital, however, before law enforcement officers could arrive. As of midday today, HHS officials had not been notified by law enforcement whether the girl had been found.
HHS staffers are gathering additional information about both Thursday cases. More here:
Ha ha - a long time ago, the libs made it so the schools can't discipline your kid. As time went on they made it so that YOU can't discipline you kid either. Oh yes, you're still responsible for him but you can't control his behavior -- you can only ASK him to control it himself. Anything beyond that and the Department of Social Services will come HELP you. You'll be attending classes and doing reports until your eyes bleed. Oh, and keep your house spotless in case of the "surprise visit" but don't expect any cleaning help from the kid, because, screw you.
This law is the answer. Nowadays, the kid gets out of control and you say "you wanna take a little trip to Nebraska?" This is what it has come to. For thousands of years, parents have been able to raise their kids as they saw fit, but no longer ... it's over. Thanks libs... always such geniuses.
Some grist for thought from Dick Morris
Hopefully, it’s just a rumor started by the Clintonistas, but is Barack Obama seriously considering appointing Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State? If he pulls the trigger on that appointment, he will deserve what he gets!
Obama would do well to remember the history of Harry Truman and Jimmy Byrnes in 1944. Byrnes, known as the “assistant president” in FDR’s third term, was widely thought to be Roosevelt’s choice to replace Henry Wallace as his running mate on the 1944 ticket. At the last minute, FDR re-considered and decided Byrnes, a South Carolinian, was too conservative and went with Truman instead. But the Democratic Party establishment clearly was disappointed. While they wanted to get rid of the almost-Communist Wallace, they wanted Byrnes not Truman. (Just like the party establishment really wanted Hillary, not Obama, to be the presidential nominee).
So Truman named Byrnes to be his Secretary of State after he took office on Roosevelt’s death in 1945. Byrnes, who thought he should have been president, proceeded to make his own foreign policy. He flew to a meeting in Europe with the allied foreign ministers and barely kept President Truman posted on the deliberations. He became a loose cannon who thought he was the president. After a year of this nonsense, Truman fired him and brought in George Marshall to take the job.
If Obama nominates Hillary, he will put himself in the same position as Truman was with Byrnes and the results will be just as predictable.
Obama would do well to remember the history of Harry Truman and Jimmy Byrnes in 1944. Byrnes, known as the “assistant president” in FDR’s third term, was widely thought to be Roosevelt’s choice to replace Henry Wallace as his running mate on the 1944 ticket. At the last minute, FDR re-considered and decided Byrnes, a South Carolinian, was too conservative and went with Truman instead. But the Democratic Party establishment clearly was disappointed. While they wanted to get rid of the almost-Communist Wallace, they wanted Byrnes not Truman. (Just like the party establishment really wanted Hillary, not Obama, to be the presidential nominee).
So Truman named Byrnes to be his Secretary of State after he took office on Roosevelt’s death in 1945. Byrnes, who thought he should have been president, proceeded to make his own foreign policy. He flew to a meeting in Europe with the allied foreign ministers and barely kept President Truman posted on the deliberations. He became a loose cannon who thought he was the president. After a year of this nonsense, Truman fired him and brought in George Marshall to take the job.
If Obama nominates Hillary, he will put himself in the same position as Truman was with Byrnes and the results will be just as predictable.
He explains a little more and then goes on to draw some more conclusions.
So when Clinton faced a Democratic Congress on taking office, he could not count on their support. Neither can Obama. So Clinton had to toe the liberal line in order to round up the votes he needed to pass his programs in the Congress that was nominally under his control. So will Obama. Ultimately, Clinton became the hostage of the Democratic majority in Congress and they became his jailer. He was forced so far to the left that he told me, in 1994 (after losing the Congressional elections) “I was so far to the left I didn’t recognize myself.” Neither will Obama.
Those who embrace the comforting fantasy that Obama will govern from the center and leave the left frustrated are in for a shock. We don’t know if Obama wants to move left or center. But that’s not the key question. The issue is not what he will want to do but what Congress will make him do.
Obama will face just such a situation and will be forced to the left - if he needs any forcing - just as Clinton was. And selecting Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State will just cede more of his authority. The rest here:
I need one for dealing with idiots
With this gauntlet strapped to your arm there is no question you are the man in charge! The three piercing spikes stretch 11 1/2" long and are constructed from solid stainless steel. The palm cover is cast metal construction with unique details down to each "bone". With an overall length of 17", this monstrous handspike will not only protect your grip but will send your foes running in the other direction.
You can buy one for $40 here:
Found it at J-Walk:
San Francisco dipshits
The younger of the two female Palins seen here (corner of Castro & Market in San Francisco) had issued a public call for a mass gathering of Palin lookalikes for Halloween — but only two other Palins showed up (along with 25 disappointed media members). A complete washout! More at Zombie's blog:Hey look, men dressed up as women in San Francisco! It's either a British comedy, or someone in San Francisco dropped a fucking hat.
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