What do we have here? Another cocksure contender who thinks he can get a leg up on the master? Well, come and give it your best shot, old boy, but be warned: History is strewn thick with the remains of size-36 pants who thought they could contain ol' Dennis Puttkamer.
Yes, gaze upon my massive, naked waist, and know that your time has finally come!
No size-36 garment can last even a week against the powerful expanse of this body. I've made short work of khakis, dashed the ambitions of many a dress slack, and watched cargo pants crumble when daring to tame me. Not even dungaree or corduroy can confine Dennis Puttkamer, smiter of pants!
Do you think I'm bluffing? Have you forgotten the fates of your ancient brethren, sizes 30 through 35? Each tested its seams against my unstoppable torso, each met its end in tatters, lying cold and lifeless round my ankles. If you don't believe me, just ask them yourself when you join them in the same bulging ragbag you'll soon call home.
Come, come size-36 pants, and prepare to meet your doom! The rest at The Onion:
In an unrelated story - there was a "correction" issued by The Onion:
Saturday's article on fire safety contained an error. Apparently, the correct order of actions to take when one is on fire is "stop, drop, and roll," not "stop, pivot, turn, fan-kick, feather-step, pivot," as was reported. The Onion regrets the error.
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